he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
