WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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