So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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