I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i now understand why vodka
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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