At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
