Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
