We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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