he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
