yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
