i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You can't special order awesome
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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