my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
