note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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