if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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