The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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