the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
