Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
