there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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