You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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