after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize