By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
