I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
