My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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