Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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