After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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