I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
