Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
