Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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