i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
