by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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