I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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