I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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