The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
