I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just found a bag of teeth...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
