I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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