..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
