Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
