I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
