If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
