3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
