Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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