Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
