I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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