happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The Olympian is in my bed
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
