as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
