Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
