If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
