Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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