I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The ass gains better be worth it
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