I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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