I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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