2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
