I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
