I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bring me that man meat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
