walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When are your genitals available?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
